Wednesday, October 29, 2014

I Will Never (II)

I will NEVER get an epidural.

I will NEVER let my doctor induce me.

I will NEVER give my baby formula.

I will NEVER bring my baby into the bed.

I will NEVER eat bad food after having the baby. How else will I lose that weight?

I will NEVER skip tummy time.

I will NEVER ask my husband for PERMISSION to do something!  He doesn't own me!  (No, but he will need to watch the kid...)

'Twas the Night Before the End of Maternity Leave

As I lay here listening to my husband snore away on my right and my baby snore through the monitor on my left (my new symphony of happiness) I find myself so overcome with emotion that I need to write it out.

Mommy guilt.

Oh man, Mommy guilt.

There are so many different versions:  Moms who work but feel guilty about not being home.
Moms who stay home and feel guilty for not contributing financially.

Then there's me:  Moms who feel guilty about being excited to go back to work.

Don't get me wrong, I've had my tearful moments (ask Ryan and my mom). I've cried nightly rocking my sweet girl to sleep. I just cried watching all the videos on my phone of Eliza's milestones and how far she's come.

I do mourn the end of my leave.  I do feel she's too young to go to day care (a wonderful in-home care with someone I trust and 4 other great kids).  I will miss snuggling through naps and watching her discover new things each day.

But I can't ignore myself either.  I can't ignore the fact that I miss my challenge outside the home.  I miss the smell of my classroom and the sound of 25 eight year olds growing.  

The truth is, I find a large part of my identity in my job.

And let's face it, if I'm going to be a working mom, I have a damn good job.  Summers and holidays off, spontaneous snuggly snow days, and hours that don't leave us scrambling through traffic and heading home straight into bedtime.

My most important jobs will always be Ryan's wife and Eliza's Mommy, but I can't deny that I'm a little excited to be Mrs. Marshall again...And being Mrs, Marshall will make me a better wife and mother.  I do know that about myself.

I fully anticipate a tearful, mascara free day tomorrow.  I plan to be gentle with myself and give in to the emotions if need be.  We'll find our new normal.


Saturday, October 11, 2014

"I Will Never..."

Having sweet Eliza was the most humbling experience of my life.  It has been enough to bring this confident Momma crashing down to a big ol bag of unsure and insecure.  We are still learning about each other and loving every minute, but it's been a long time since I've been new to something and haven't been able to dive right in and get it right!


I've quickly learned to eat crow and to never say never.  To pay homage to my naive self who's been knocked down a few pegs, I've decided to keep a running list of the things I've done that I swore I never would.  This will be updated from time to time!

I will NEVER get an epidural.

I will NEVER let my doctor induce me.

I will NEVER give my baby formula.

I will NEVER bring my baby into the bed.

I will NEVER eat bad food after having the baby. How else will I lose that weight?

I will NEVER skip tummy time.



I seriously just want to go back to past Ashley, pat her on the head and say, "that's cute!"  What a silly girl...